The Truth About Me

Okay. First, I’m gonna have to make sure you are in a good position when you’re reading this because it might take a while to read. Second of all, I haven’t decide whether I will put this into two separate posts or just all in one. Even if we finished in just one, I hope you can cope with me and my story. With that being said, here’s the truth about the Gloria you thought you knew.

My name is Gloria Ernita – the regular girl growing up in a middle class family born in the capital city of Indonesia, Jakarta. I consider myself lucky to be born at such great city and growing up in a great hometown with my super loving and attentive parents. But underneath those things, honestly, I am actually this girl who is so far away from perfection. There’s a lot of things I dislike about myself which starts from my name.

Yes, my name. I know, I know, there are a lot people who get bullied more than what I get because of their names; but still, I disliked mine. As I was growing up, people associate my name as that “gloria in excelsis deo” christmas thing as if my second name didn’t matter. Secondly, I have a weird nickname my parents used to call me when I was a kid with in which I am ashamed of. Third, people mostly never spelled my name right. From the starbucks barista to the librarian. I thought I’ve made it clear enough but to some it sounds more like “Doria” “Jloria” or other typos kind of Gloria. See, you didn’t even care about how I write my middle name, right?

I didn’t actually enjoyed myself growing up as that regular “good girl”. Spending 12 years of study in a Christian based school, private middle classed school, and a good environment does not always satisfy me. I wanted to go to public schools and try all odds. I want to feel more pain this nation can cause me because I wanted to be ”one” with all those primitives – I don’t want them to continue holding ourselves back from each other just because I’m Chinese whatsoever. I never get to break anything, though. I’m still here in this condusive reality. And to be honest, I absorb most negativity people affect me with. Even though I had this beautiful positive-thinker mind, whenever I tried to write some nice warning to someone I thought I had some right to talk to is actually really hurtful. On the other side, I also tend to think things over and finally I ended up never saying anything I wanted to say in the first place. A coward, they say. Yes, I might be that coward – but I’m more afraid of the fact that I hurt your feelings rather than telling you the whole truth.

I also suck at being a person because I can’t just seem to do anything right. I’ll stumble and fall when I can actually kick the soccer ball during a big match. I’ll press the wrong key when I was supposed to be perfect in the piano test room. I’ll never be able to be brave enough to talk about my feelings to those I was supposed to be honest to. I’ll try to be accepted by the famous school girls when I know I can’t cope with anything like that. I’ll break down even at the very beginning of teamworks and go “they’ll go on so much better without me. They seemed to have so much more fun without me”. Yes, what you don’t know about me is that I feel so bad for myself everytime I finished interacting with someone which involves me having to deal with something.

Anyways. People who only knew me by my name must have thought that I am that extrovert type because I can get attached to strangers easily. You know what, I just got you wrong again. I am the most introverted person I know; living that trait for almost 18 years now. But that is not the thing. The thing is what trait this introverism mixed with some turbulent NFJ ending to my personality trait: I felt wronged by my feelings when I plan to make something big with some people which mostly ended up failing; I have trust issues when someone let me down in any case of what obstacle life brings; I did not develop great self-confidence; I fail to push my days to it’s limit when I really know that I can do so much better; I kept what I felt most of the time so that I tire my own soul without anyone knowing but my scribblings; I fail to let people grow as a natural-leader emerging in ‘no leader teamworks’; I didn’t lie when I say I hated to be the driving force of the team and ending up being the most let down person in the group. I hate having to force myself to give people second chances; and mostly, for not being those cool kids I thought were cool. I tried to be like them – and I failed.

I’ve tried to reduce my turbulent introverism at some point by telling more stories to some other friends, but I ended up being sick of myself. I thought I am upsetting people for them my problems then and make them hate me because of what I told them. Such high standards most people fail to keep up to.

But most of all, I am tired of being so introverted; that I will easily feel mentally tired when I have too much interaction with other human beings. I am tired of trying too hard to make people like me when I know all we have in this world is hate. Yeah, I guess life won’t be as easy as what you see on the surface, right? –red