Dear Me

Hello, 16 year old me. How’s it going?

16 years old was almost only 3 years ago, but why had I lost most of my memory about how you feel?

Damn.

Sorry for forgetting how it feels, me. I know you know I’ve been attentive for the longest time and you’ll be glad I didn’t remember most of you so that I wouldn’t want to change a thing even if I ever could. 16 was awesome.

I am here today merely on a mission to thank you, tell you how it feels to be you 3 years later, and give you advices. So get your ass ready to read, alright?

Thank you, me, for never giving up on life. I have to tell you that freshman will always be a tough year, but we are sure fire winners, ain’t we? We will survive. You have really awesome classmates, and you will find them at the end of the road with you – watching “the moon who embraces the sun” together. You’ll have to pretend to like it, though. Sorry.

Thank you for always trying to give your very best, even though I know “best” would never feel enough to any sacrifice people had done for the greater cause we’ve seen – you know this as well as I do today. Even though “best” is still just passing 70 on economics or maybe worse, I would still thank you. I’ve loved it how you always kept it positive in amid negatives, and I tell you that we do survive UN. So don’t worry too much – just keep trying.

Thank you for having that purely stupid boyfriend as well, 16 year old me. I wouldn’t have ended up realizing that searching for the right guy is always going to be nearly impossible if it wasn’t for the relationship I had with him. Those days (in case you haven’t been through it yourself), I gotta be honest, will be some of our most glorious days we’ve ever had. But I would’ve regret it more if him and us didn’t dump each other in the face and go the exact other way round.

Before I thank you the last thing, 16 year old me, I’ll tell you that I am currently writing this only weeks away from dealing with the life of college. You wouldn’t have imagined how Mr Lucas left a mark on us – on how I would have valued the world if it wasn’t for him. Thank him for me, will you? It was that “what I wanted to achieve in a year’s time” list that helped you to become who I am right now, pre-college wise. You made a decision so big that year in which I’m grateful you did. Because if not, I’d wonder if I would end up in this major I am in right now – realizing that this would be the thing the world wanted me to do. I am the writer – of some sort. Thank you for being a hundred percent cooperative with Mr. Lucas, was what I was going to say.

How it feels to be me today, though...

I don’t want to give you spoilers but, well, GRADUATING WAS AWESOME!

What they say about having those 4 months of freedom to yourself was great. The only “not great” thing about it is that I am realizing that I will be waking up to classes starting next week. Meh.

But honestly, I’m excited about it because fresh-starts, you know. I’ll be able to go and make new friends everyday and stuff like that – new adventures, as a conclusion.

The detrimental part to that was this feeling of not knowing of who I really am. I mean, I’m still Gloria – physically. But inside? I’m welling up shits like “am I really worthy of this world to notice them?”. I don’t know, these days just kinda suck. I can’t really describe how it felt like nor have I find a more long-lasting solution for you to deal with this situation years later,  but you’ll always have the internet to tell you who your INFJ-self is. The internet has been a great reliever for me nowadays.

Coming to the end of this letter, 16 year old me, I will only give you three advises: a) keep on going. No matter how bad or how disappointing the day is, keep going. B) keep trusting God and communicate with Him – He knows what you’re dealing with; the best knowing Person you will ever encounter. C) stay inspired. You’ll need it; like seriously.

Lastly, me, I couldn’t be more proud of what you’ve chosen along the way. Don’t feel guilty, bad choices are there. It wouldn’t make you me if it hadn’t been bad. But when you speak, choose among the truths. Think about it. –red

-written before campus life starts-

Menyenangkan, Menguntungkan, dan Kenyamanan

Gue adalah tipe orang yang kalo udah suka sama sesuatu hal akan mengagungkan hal itu sampe gue menemukan hal serupa dengan benda yang biasanya tapi lebih menyenangkan dan lebih menguntungkan buat gue. Kenapa menyenangkan? Karna kalo ngga menyenangkan, benda tersebut ngga akan bertahan lama sebelum akhirnya gue biarkan berdebu dilemari. Dan kenapa menguntungkan? Karna gue bosenan itulah makanya mending cari yang murah biar ngga rugi-rugi amat kalo udah bosen. Hal-hal yang masuk kategori “menyenangkan dan menguntungkan” adalah mainan (waktu kecil dulu, ofkors), hal-hal yang lagi ngetren, fashion, dan beberapa hal lainnya yang bisa dikategorikan sebagai sesuatu yang sifatnya ‘numpang lewat’.

Kalau untuk urusan benda yang akan gue gunakan untuk jangka waktu lebih dari setahun, gue biasanya lebih mengutamakan kenyamanan untuk hal tersebut.

Salah satu contohnya adalah soal pemilihan sepatu.

Gue ini orangnya demen banget kalo udah disuruh jalan dan ngeliat-ngeliat sepatu olahraga ataupun apapun yang berhubungan dengan sepatu. Entah kenapa, dari kecil gue memiliki ketertarikan tersendiri terhadap sepatu. Salah satu kejadian yang paling gue inget soal sepatu adalah ketika gue milih sendiri sepatu sekolah gue kelas 5 SD. Waktu itu, gue milih sebuah sepatu dari merek Tomkins® karna gue melihat salah satu temen baik gue (cewek) menggunakan sepatu tersebut dan jujur saja terlihat keren ketika dia menggunakannya. Ketika akhirnya gue beli sepatu yang sama seperti yang temen gue pakai, gue mengerti bahwa sepatu tersebut selain stylish ternyata juga nyaman dan praktis. Sejak saat itu, kalau mencari sepatu baru untuk sekolah gue akan mencari sepatu yang sama persis seperti yang gue gunakan saat itu. Sayangnya, Tomkins® tidak pernah memproduksi sepatu itu lagi selepas gue lulus SD. Pengalaman menyenangkan ketika gue kelas 5 SD ini berdampak besar pada kehidupan pemilihan sepatu gue dimasa selanjutnya; dan semua berawal dari kata “keliatannya keren”.

Sepatu sekolah gue ngga akan berubah haluan dari Converse® kalau sekolah tidak mengeluarkan peraturan “harus hitam menyeluruh” pada akhir masa SMP gue. Gue ngga akan berubah haluan dari adidas® kalau gue mendapatkan sepatu lari yang warna dan harganya sesuai dengan kepribadian gue. Dua-duanya adalah merek yang memberikan gue rasa nyaman itu. Masalahnya, terkadang ada beberapa keputusan yang kita pribadi maupun orang lain buat untuk kita agar kita mencari merek lain yang terkadang malah tidak jauh berbeda rasa nyamannya. Kadang, walaupun sudah mendapat sesuatu yang baru dan sudah nyaman pun, kita ngga akan pernah move on dari hal pertama yang membuat kita jatuh cinta.

Contoh lainnya adalah pemilihan handphone (atau alat elektronik lainnya).

Gue adalah tipe orang yang suka mengikuti perkembangan gadget melalui apa yang kebanyakan masyarakat pakai ketimbang jika harus mensurvei sendiri ke toko handphone dan memilih dari berbagai jenis barang yang ada – intinya sama seperti ketika gue pertama kali melihat sahabat gue memakai sepatu yang menurut gue “terlihat keren”.

Berbeda dengan sepatu yang pilihannya terlalu luas, gue sebenarnya sudah memiliki refrensi tersendiri jika kita membicarakan tentang elektronika: Apple®. Menurut gue, selain “keren”, Apple® memiliki sebuah keuntungan dalam ‘langkah awal’ dalam hal pemasaran pada masyarakat sehingga apapun yang terjadi, mereka akan selalu memiliki keunggulan satu langkah tersebut – entah lebih baik dalam packaging maupun dalam hal lainnya. Harus gue akui bahwa para pemasar Apple® memilki keunggulan dalam membuat produk mereka terlihat “baru pernah ada” padahal seringkali trik yang digunakan hanyalah packaging yang lebih keren atau sistem yang lebih canggih. Walaupun demikian, gue masih membeli hal pertama yang gue lihat.

Ketika ditawarkan produk lain, gue sempat hanya meliriknya sebentar dan mencoba-coba fitur yang disediakan handphone merek lain. Tapi karna sudah nyaman dengan yang sekarang dan masih ada pembaruan dari yang sama, gue tidak pernah terlalu tertarik dengan yang lain. Dalam pemikiran gue hanya terlintas “if I already have the best product, why do I need the others?”

Contoh terakhir mengenai hal jangka panjang yang gue sulit untuk pindah hati adalah masalah pasangan.

Iya, pasangan.

Ini adalah hal yang paling rumit karena punya pasangan adalah sebuah sensasi berkepanjangan yang berbeda daripada hanya sekedar memiliki sepatu baru atau gadget baru. Pasangan adalah sesuatu yang benar-benar hidup – benar-benar bernafas dan benar-benar memiliki perasaan. Mereka harus diberikan lebih dari sekedar “charger” untuk bertahan.

Secara tidak sadar, setelah gue putus cinta untuk pertama kalinya ketika gue SMP dulu adalah bahwa gue akan mencari orang yang mirip seperti mantan gue itu. Orang yang mampu membuat gue merasa dihargai, dibutuhkan, dicintai, dimengerti. Gue mencari orang yang bisa memberikan gue compliment pada waktu-waktu yang tidak terduga. Dan yang terlebih parah, gue banyak membandingkan pasangan yang baru dengan pasangan yang lama. Ternyata move on itu lebih mudah dikatakan daripada dilakukan.

Akhirnya setelah sekali lagi putus dari orang lain, gue memutuskan untuk memberikan diri gue waktu untuk beristirahat dari urusan cinta ini dan menanti untuk saat yang pas untuk menjadikan seseorang “the one” itu.

Gue mau belajar untuk mencintai yang baru nanti seperti dia adalah yang pertama dan tidak ada yang lain sebelum dia. Gue ingin bisa mengharapkan yang terbaik dari dirinya seiring dengan kesadaran bahwa ia juga pernah terluka. Gue akan belajar untuk tidak membeli hal pertama yang gue lihat. Namun yang terpenting, gue akan belajar bagaimana untuk tidak pernah bosan dengan orang yang gue pilih – seperti ketika gue sudah nyaman dengan sebuah merek sepatu dan elektronika. –red

His Thoughts

The heat from his body still lingers on the bed even though he’s been out of it for the last 2 minutes. As all his sleeping senses gets back to life, he sat at the edge of the bed, saying a little prayer – thanking God for the new day. He walked slowly into the bathroom, turns on the hot water in the shower, walks out and opens his night clothing – piece by piece.

As the heat from the shower rises, so does the warmth on his cheeks; begging to be recognized in the mirror in front of him. There’s only one thing between him and the rushing water in the shower: his thoughts.

His right hand brushes the side of his face. The look on his face clearly showed fascination – the kind of happiness you express through a facial expression because no words are able to give any fine justice for what the soul felt. All he sees in the mirror is his hair trimmed short, thin eyebrows, bronze eyes, hooked nose, full lips and nothing more. His facial hair starts to show a little. And to him, the hair growth doesn’t bother him today; which usually does. It means so much to cause disturbance to his own eyes this morning.

His thoughts has been bugging him as soon as he was awake, as soon as the brain realizes the activity the body starts to do. His thoughts has been staying eversince they moved in together to his apartment, deciding that it would be a great idea to start living together in a place that he owns shortly after their marriage. And with his thoughts hovering, he wasn’t even sure that it was the right decision to be taking a bath at such an early hour.

All his thoughts revolves around her, the love of his life. Never had he ever been so happy yet distressed at the same time. He was happy that finally she would surrender for the s-word now that they are married – least at the thought of owning someone to himself without any fear of losing. Well maybe except for death, for now. He was distressed at the thought that he would have to provide for whatever need they both might have; for being able to be good-willed enough to be patient with someone who he knows he will be listening to every night just after work. He’s dealt with those listening kind of thing once in his life with his own mother before she left, but that was years ago that it was just a pinch of memory in his mind. Even worse, he was worried if what he’s done will not be good enough to save the life of someone he loves most when time calls for it.

He walks towards the shower, bathe himself in mint scented shampoo and chamomile scented soap and finally let the clean water washes over him. He turned off the hot water and slowly turned the cold water on as the hot water goes off. He closed his eyes, deciding which of the thoughts he’s had should weigh more in his head. He couldn’t decide; but he knows that he’ll just let time proofs it to him.

While he is in the shower, I am holding on what’s left of it in the bed, even though I know it won’t hold the warmth any longer than another minute or two. –red

Kisah Kampus

GAIS. GLORIA MAU CURCOL.

Bukan, bukan ngebaper kok.

Curcol kisah kampus doang. #EAK

So, udah sebulan lah itungannya gue kuliah. Cie banget kan yah gue anak kuliahan gitu ceritanya. Kuliah, as expected, sangat menyenangkan. Gue baru pernah punya kelas seumur-umur isinya 45 orang. HAHAHA.

Beberapa hal yang paling gue sadari tentang kampus adalah sebagai berikut: a) gue ternyata udah ngerti dari SMA bahwa didalam sebuah kelas pasti bakal “kebagi” jadi beberapa major groups of people yang udah nyaman main sama siapa. Dan thankfully gue udah long get over hal semacem ini. B) this feeling of “males di rumah karna ngga ada temen ngebacot” is never before heard in my life karna gue selama ini adalah home buddy banget – walopun ada kepengen sih keluar sama temen dan c) gue ngga nyesel ngambil jurusan yang gue ambil karna gue sejujurnya (meski gue engap-engapan juga nyicil tugasnya yang bikin depresi depresi sendiri) gue enjoy baca dan bikin rangkuman.

Sejauh ini sih yang paling susah soal kehidupan kampus cuman masalah academic skills doang yang sebenernya 0 SKS tapi bisa fail. Academic skill pada dasarnya cuman ngajarin kita cara belajar yang efektif gitu-gitu sih. Tapi gini deh: dasar logikanya aja udah aneh – 0 SKS kok bisa fail. Tapi yang paling mengganggu gue soal academic skill ini adalah fakta bahwa tugasnya pakek acara broken english segala. Lah kan ngga lucu satu jam gue ngerjain tugas, gue masih ngga ngerti juga disuruh ngapain. Kan mau mati rasanya. Mana banyak lagi. MEH. Sisanya masih bisa lah gue tanganin.

Kesalahan terbesar gue selama ngampus sejauh ini adalah minum ‘iced vanilla latte’ pada hari Kamis dimana academic skill gue pertama kali diadakan. Dan gue bukan minum itu cuman sekedar gelas kecil: GELAS PALING GEDE COY. Salahnya bukan gimana sih – tapi 2 hours into the latte diffusing in my body, badan gue bereaksi. Gue capek banget (baca: lemes setengah mampus). Malem itu gue bisa sampe rumah tanpa pingsan duluan aja udah bagus banget. Besok-besok ngga lagi deh. HUAH.

Di kampus gue juga belajar lebih dewasa dalam hal membagi waktu dan menentukan prioritas gue. Gimana gue bagi waktu buat ngampus, nugas, dan tidur adalah cerita lain karna itu bakalan panjang banget kalo gue curcolin disini. Tapi dalam menentukan prioritas tugas, it took me 2 whole weeks to learn. Kedepannya sih pasti masih struggle juga lah walopun udah mulai terbiasa – entah temen-temen yang lain gimana.

Gue seneng juga bisa kenalan sama temen-temen baru yang walopun statusnya cuman “acquintance” bisa bikin gue keliatan cukup kece karna kalo papasan dijalan pasti mau ngga mau hai-haian. HAHAHA. And as to orang-orang yang statusnya lebih daripada sekedar “acquintance” itu, ketika mereka mulai ngobrol sama gue, gue seneng mereka ngga bakal percaya kalo gue bilang gue introvert karna gue “keliatannya” ekstrovert banget (terus abis itu baru deh mereka eneg sendiri pas gue mulai bacotin soal ketek pantat rendang hatiku senang. MUAHAHAHAHAHA). There’s something weirdly fascinating about this “pake topeng” kind of thing and actually being able to recharge every weekend karna mereka ngga ada ekspektasi apapun terhadap kepribadian gue.

Dan terakhir, hal yang paling gue syukuri adalah fakta bahwa society dimana gue tercemplung adalah society yang baik bukan main. Baik karna gue ketemu Della sama Stella yang punya keinginan juang yang sama kayak gue dalam urusan tugas menugas; karna gue ketemu Evita yang ekstrovert banget dan gue ikut kecipratan kenalan sama orang lain gegara dia bawel kesiapapun; karna gue kenal sama Cindy dikuliah yang walopun introvert ternyata segila Cindy yang gue kenal dimasa SMA; karna orang-orang yang gue kenal deket dikelas reguler juga adalah orang-orang yang luarbiasa supportif (banyak banget coy gabisa gue sebutin satu-satu); dan karna inner circle gue ini bukan inner circle yang dugem. That one last fact fascinates me A LOT though dude, sumpah.

Semoga kedepannya setelah penjurusan gue masih bisa dapet kehidupan yang seperti ini dimana gue bisa super reflektif terhadap hidup gue dan bisa decompress and recharge on weekends. Sekian dulu deh kisah kampus gue kali ini, siap-siap gue sirem cerita lain ya gais. Mwah. –red

Dear You

Dear you.

Hi. I bet you know who I am.

I bet we will never get the chance to speak to each other unless you would want to. Why, you asked? It is because I am a girl and I am not supposed to chase after guys as guys are supposed to chase after girls. Meh, gender inequality. Plus, you are that type I guess to be “not wanting to interact with girls as much unless you really wanted to hook up with that one you believe is ‘your type’”.

And yes, I bet I will never be able to be brave enough to tell you in the face that I actually have feelings for you. No, I will never be crazy enough to come up to you and say such things – even if it might be elating.

And to tell you anything but the truth, it’s crazy how I have almost always like people who have no idea who I really am as a person and why I liked them beforehand. It applies to you to, though, that I liked you for no reasons at all. Well, maybe not for no reason to be exact, but that’s the easiest way to put it. If you demanded more explanation, I dare you to read the rest of this bullcrap letter.

There’s this one story I would like you to read so you would have the exact idea of why I liked you:

“Think about this thing that once was dented for a reason; this dent that for others mean nothing but imperfection and it shouldn’t be like that. People hates this dent, but you don’t.

You knew exactly where the dent is as if it belonged to the thing and it should’ve been there all it’s life. You embrace it like it belongs to you too.

You didn’t hate this dent like others did. In fact, you think that this thing wouldn’t be special if it wasn’t for the dent.”

In other words, I like you because of the physical imperfections you bring with yourself that you (and most of others) will dislike all their lives but I think is the thing that makes you special. It is like the dent in my story that catches my eye and translates into some beautiful thing in my heart.

You are more than anything you could hate about yourself and even though it’s one sided love kind of story for now, I do hope God brings greater good for you and me in the future – even if it means not being together with you. But believe me when I say that I will always like you for your weird features and it will never cease to non-existing. You shall be a sweet memory in my head.

I believe I can have a say about how I feel about things. And you, my love, is one of the things I would love to have a say about at any given time of day. –red