Downfall

I am on the verge of breaking down. Every emotion I could ever think of stirring up together did stir. I hated and I grieved, also I am intoxicated by happiness all at the same time. I initially didn’t know which feeling should weigh more in my heart – but as time pass, I do know that when I laugh, it is because of the grief which later turned into anger.

All of those thoughts haunt me like it never did before: those stereotypes my head made up. It said I am a brainless maniac. It told me I am young, therefore all of my final act is reckless.

Dude. I am not your brainless maniac. Indeed I’m young, but I am not reckless.

You see, this is what I am constantly at war with every single time I told you I felt insecure: my thoughts. At times like this, it is haunting me at its best. It made me look too good to have the face of an introvert.

...

Who are you to tell her that her choices are wrong, irritational, and not worth the while? What does it matter to you, if she does not take into account what you were saying? Did you beg to differ as much as she does? If you don’t, then the shut the hell outta that mouth and keep your freaking judgments to yourself and think about what you just said ‘cuz she is nowhere near being worthy of your time.

...

But there’s this thing I kept on doing as I realized I was wary of the pain, though: I came back again and again. I don’t know why, but I guess that’s how I relieved the pain: I came back to challenge the memories, yet the feeling itself. I want the fear to be afraid of me. I want it to know that grief will never overcome me – that heartbreaks will never be able to overcome me by my bones. I came, essentially wanting to know what would happen now that I know the same feeling that used to come won’t ever come again. When everybody else chooses to run, I chose to confront the fear right on their face and tell them that they have no power over me. It took me a lot of comebacks to overcome it, obviously. But everytime I came back, it diminishes by power. So it felt easier overtime.

Though everybody seemed to look like we have overcome the pain, the truth is that we actually learn to swallow it whole rather than showing what it really does to our system.

Some ran to music, making it so loud that it muffles every thought they have. Some ran to God, looking for comfort within their own discomfort. Some ran to writing, numbing the pain a little bit by phonetic symbols. And some delightfully ran to their friends, hoping they will make them forget the pain even just for a few moments.

But the pain kept lingering. Not the smile, the laughter, nor even the life in our eyes ever comes back like before destruction came. I’m pretty sure I’m sad about it, but I can do nothing about it either. So, yeah.

All there is left for me is that one person whom I know is sharp enough to know my ulterior motives as much as I know him deep down. He never questioned me in my silence, and that is the most important thing I need in my painful griefing.

Though the remains of the rain is still at heel, I am glad he always kept the pace a little at my back no matter where the wind blows. –red

“Me and my friends are all misunderstood. They say we stand for nothing and there’s no way we ever could. Now we see everything that’s going wrong with the world and those who lead it. We just feel like we don’t have the means to rise above and beat it – so we keep waiting on the world to change” –Waiting On The World To Change, John Meyer, 2006

CMF: Everything Is Just. Too. Much!

Sekali lagi gue ngalamin yang namanya dateng konser tapi koordinatornya ngga memuaskan. Asli. Malah kayaknya bukan “ngga memuaskan” lagi, sih. Tapi “over mengecewakan”. Kayaknya gue mulai lelah berharap sama adanya Event Organizer musik yang bagus, deh. Yah, yang kali ini emang bukan konser Taylor Swift atau Maroon V yang bakalan didatengin 2500 anak muda trus desek-desekan kayak ikan dendeng masuk pemanggangan sih, tapi tetep aja: seberapa pun sedikit penonton seharusnya ngga membuat acara jadi seenaknya dibiarin tanpa ngikutin jadwal, dong?

Harus gue akui, gue awalnya kepengen banget dateng dan meramaikan acara ini karena tiga alasan. Pertama adalah karna ada salah satu pengisi acara dihari kedua adalah drummer favorit gue sejauh gue mengerti musik. Kedua adalah karna line-up lainnya yang gue tertarik untuk lihat. Ketiga, ini musik, duh. Kenapa ngga dukung musik Indonesia juga selagi bisa? Bayangin aja, kapan lagi coba ada Barry Likumahuwa dan 2 kelompok akapela Indonesia di satu hari yang sama? – atau Abdul and the Coffee Theory dan Ari Lasso di satu gedung yang sama? Ya ya, even just at the thought of it I am too excited to come.

Tapi balik lagi: lebih banyak ketidak-puasan yang gue rasain kebanding puasnya kalo harus dibandingin sama konser PTX setengah tahun yang lalu.

Harus gue mulai dari mana, ya?

Satu sisi, acaranya sepi.

Gue ngerti, sih. Banyak pemuda Indonesia yang ngga terlalu “mendukung” musik Indonesia karna 1001 faktor yang udah sering banget kita denger makanya mereka ngga mau dateng (atau bahkan dari ngeliat line-up artisnya aja udah males duluan). Sepi juga mungkin karna tajuknya “Christmas Music Festival”, sehingga ide yang ditangkap masyarakat adalah “musik natal”nya daripada “festival musik”nya. Atau, sepi bisa jadi juga karna tim EO kurang luas penyebaran beritanya tentang acara ini. Hm. Kalo gue sendiri jadi orang EO-nya, gue jujur akan suggest pemusik-pemusik Indonesia yang mungkin lebih berkaliber. Sebut aja, Trio Lestari, Trio Diva, dan Melly Goeslaw. DAN OH, sebelum semuanya itu berlangsung gue akan pertama-tama menentukan target audiens gue terlebih dahulu. Karna kalo kaya gini jatohnya ngga gue ngga nyokap gue yang beda generasi ngga nikmatin apapun. Kan itu berarti dari target audiensnya aja ngga terpuaskan.

Sisi lain, Event Organizer acaranya sendiri gue uda berasa ngga professional – sama persis seperti yang waktu itu mengurus kedatangan PTX ke Indonesia. Eh ternyata bener aja: acaranya sepi. Aspek kelemahannya sih beda, tapi tetep aja: ini bikin gue jadi kepengen maki-maki ke-Indonesia-an kita untuk segala kepedihan ini. Mereka ngga bikin rundown acara yang ada jedanya untuk pergantian musisi dan soundcheck masing-masing musisi; mereka ngga on time (bahkan sampe ada musisi yang ngga tampil ditempat dan waktu yang ditentukan. Itu antara emang ngga ada crowd-nya sampe ngga jadi manggung {which is such a shame} atau emang EO kurang bagus ngaturnya sampe badnya belom dateng); DAN yang paling parah adalah dari EO-nya sendiri moyung sankingan kebanyakan panitia yang didatengin tapi acara sendiri ngga berjalan rapih. Kalo gue punya EO semacem begitu gue jamin gue bakal jadi orang pertama yang maki-maki tim gue deh for not making the artists come on time dan ngga bikin rundown yang bener. Gue bakal jadi ‘Pak Boy’-nya mereka. Kzl.

Nih ya. Gue aja yang seumur-umur baru 3-4 kali dibawah supervisi Pak Boy ngurusin back stage acara aja takut dimarahin duluan tiap kali ketemu beliau. Itu baru skala kecil. Gimana ini yang skalanya harapannya seribu orang dateng?

Gue jadi cita-cita pengen punya EO untuk acara beginian gegara udah 2 kali dateng konser dan dua kali – dua kalinya ngga memuaskan. Okelah gue ngerti ngga ada manusia yang sempurna maka dari itu ngga ada organisasi yang lepas dari kelemahan juga, tapi bisa dong kita belajar dari kelemahan acara yang dijalankan orang lain supaya kita ngga melakukan kesalahan yang sama?

Harusnya sih ada cara lain untuk meningkatkan semangat anak muda Indonesia terhadap musik tanah air; tapi setiap kali gue berusaha memikirkan caranya, gue sendiri ikut stress karna gue aja masih ngerasa skeptis sama adanya revolusi musik kalo lagu kita bukan tentang “cinta satu malam” dan “putus cinta yang dibalut secara sampah”. Iya, aduh bukan main. –red

Hug Bear

Ada satu kejadian bulan lalu yang membuat gue berpikir inilah cara gue menjadi teman yang baik buat orang lain: dengan pelukan. Emang sih, gue demen melukin temen gue dari dulu – it is a well known story especially to Cindy my high school buddy, tapi giliran kuliah dimulai gue ngga bisa pelukin orang sembarangan karna bisa dikira macem-macem kalo gue tiba-tiba pelukin mereka tanpa alasan. Sebelomnya ngga pernah kepikir sampe akhirnya hari itu akan tiba bahwa ada temen cewe yang bakal dateng trus minta gue peluk, tapi ketika itu terjadi gue sejujurnya seneng sendiri mengetahui fakta bahwa my hugs are actually contagious to some dan ngga semua orang bisa dengan nyaman dikasih (atau nerima) pelukan gue dengan bahagia. Tapi gue sih seneng-seneng aja kalo ada orang yang menghargai pelukan gue. Kita akan bahas lebih jauh tentang hal ini beberapa menit kedepan; tapi mari gue ceritakan darimana gue jadi suka pelukin orang.

Awal gue suka pelukan sebenernya ngga tau juga sih dari mana (#JEDUAR), tapi kalo diinget-inget sih waktu kelas 10 gue mulai deket sama sahabat gue yang namanya Mei, gue sama dia suka gandengan tangan. EH BUKAN, gue bukan lesbi – gue masih suka cowok bro. Tapi emang cara kita nunjukkin affection yang dianggap ngga “berlebihan”, rasanya cuman dari pegangan tangan yang friendly (dan kemudian setelah itu muncullah pernyataan cowok-cowok yang bilang “tuh kan! Kalo cewek gandengan gak apa-apa, kalo cowok dikatain homo!”). Setelah itu ketika gue mulai kelas 11 sekelas sama Mei dan Cindy, gue masih biasa aja sampe pas kelas 11 semester 2 gue mulai suka pelukin Cindy atas dasar semangat “kalo 20x sehari peluk orang bisa nambah tinggi”, gandengan sama Mei, dan pelukan sama Cindy sambil gandeng tangan Mei. Mulai bingung gimana caranya? Sama, gue juga. Tapi dari situlah awalnya kenapa sampe akhir kelas 12 gue masih hobi pelukin si Cindy walopun udah ngga sesering ketika kelas 11. Sekarang sih gue udah ngga pelukin Cindy lagi karna kita udah beda jurusan dan beda jurusan berarti jarang ketemu. Karna udah ngga ada Cindy-lah makanya gue cari target lain buat dipelokin – dan siapa lagi kalo bukan temen-temen sekelas yang ultra aktif. Sekarang juga gue sering pelukin orang. Apalagi kalo bukan atas alasan “butuh kehangatan” dan “galau gegara kesepian”? HAHAHA, I KNOW RIGHT, GUE KEREN BANGET.

So. Back to the relationship of “hugging and being a good friend” thing. I actually have no problems about making new friends or admitting to people that I love them; but it would be weird to tell people that I love them on their face – especially if our current frienship level is as an acquaintance. I also have to agree that showing that you care about someone does not necessaily have to come only from hugging or any affectionate actions, but it is the most comfortable (and easiest to do too!) thing I can afford to offer without having too much to explain about anything while at the same time sharing the feeling of warmth.  I think it’s just so much easier to prefer to hugging or hold their hands if they are open to any of either.

I would not really consider myself as a “hug bear”, but that would be a perfect new term applied to someone who enjoys giving good quality hugs to their friends and a “hug bearer” will definitely suit the term for someone who enjoys receiving a hug from the hug bears. I AM EITHER A GENIUS OR EMANG UDAH ADA YA TERM INI SEBELOMNYA? Huahaha let’s pretend I am a genius instead of the latter.

So next time you see me and you needed a hug regardless of your reasoning, I will be happy to share a hug with you if you ask for one! Siapa tau nanti dimasa depan gue akan bisa nge-hasilin duit dari cuman pelokin orang! (YEAH RIGHT GLOR, yeah right.) –red

This Thing About Pain

Lately, my feeling had been in a terrible mood. There’s a thousand different pain longing to be acknowledged inside of me; yet I don’t know which one to feel first since they are all screaming crowdedly in my gut –  ready to explode if I choose to air any of them before the other.

There’s also this thousand different kind of pain to be said, crying in my stomach – there are a lot of unsaid cravings in those unrelieved pains. Yet again I don’t know where to start.

...

Before I go too far into anything about pain, firstly I will have to admit that the past couple weeks had been hard for me and a lot of others in my class. We have just lost someone and the reason to his loss has no logical explanation behind it. In a sentence we would put it this way: it just happened.

The pain was brutal. When all we want is reason, we didn’t get it. When all we want is for him to come back, we didn’t get it either. We are not even allowed to fight for this loss when we wanted it so bad. Indeed, we do not know what would we say or what would we cause – more trouble or more pain – if we did try; but at least we should not go down without a fight, right?

Right. But no, we weren’t allowed to reason.

...

Sigh.

I don’t know. A part of me is still at grief, I suppose.

I am at grief for a loss I would never imagine happened to me at the age of 18. I would have never imagined tasting another injustice and evil in this broken world. I would have never imagined what grief can do to me until I actually taste it, two weeks ago.

I am indeed at grief for someone who have ingrain a new good set of values inside of me, taken away just like that – a grief for a lifetime teacher who would forever left his footprint inside my heart.

I grief because of shock. It happened too quickly that I felt so bad for not seeing it coming.

I grief because I do not know how to chase the grief away.

I grief, because there was no proper goodbyes and no preparation for that feeling to come – there was no cushion to prevent the break of my falling heart. The damage it caused is surreal.

But the worst grief, though, is not being able to do anything to prevent him from going. There is nobody to express all this anger to but the Creator.

...

All I know about grief is that while I am not able to chase it away is to distract the mind as often as I can so I don’t have to crumble down the same way the earlier hours does.

I am indeed not accustomed to it – nor do I feel like I can overcome it in another week or two. I am just not ready.

I feel emptier than before; I feel like one of the ways to chase the feeling away is by buying something or learning something so the passing hours would go faster. But then I asked myself again: since when do I become so broken that I go running into worldly things to relinquish the pain I’m feeling?

Now that I am able to choose my own bad choices do I encounter grief. Is it really by my own choice, though, to have grief as an outcome? No, it doesn’t. But whether to stay within it do I have my own words to take responsibility for that stay. –red

“That’s the thing about pain: it demands to be felt”

(TFIOS, p. 63)