EYE SURGERY

There were times during this life that you have got to trust your eyes to the hands of the professional – dan percaya ato ga, ide itu terasa sangat menyeramkan seiring mendekatnya hari operasi gue; hari dimana gue akan menyerahkan mata ini untuk diubek-ubek oleh seorang dokter yang... seharusnya, sih, professional.

Yep.

Gue yang ngga tau apa-apa ini akan mempercayakan mata gue pada seorang dokter lasik; menghabiskan 20 menit didalam ruangan steril itu dan mempertaruhkan kemungkinan gue untuk “ngeliat cowok ganteng secara HD ato buta” dalam waktu singkat. Rasanya ngga nyata.

HAHAHHAHAHA HALAH LEBAY ABIS MAK.

Eh.

Iya sih, serem.

HAHAHAHHAHA.

Tapi gue udah kan ngelewatin masa mata gue “harusnya bisa nembakin laser” dengan segala kesakitan dan ke-lebay-an segenap jiwa raga seekor bocah umur 18 tahun dengan sempurna masa cuman diubek-ubek doang langsung mewek. HAHAHA.

I can’t believe how preseved my soul was until mata gue merasakan pedihnya divakum – serasa nyawa gue melayang dengan sia-sia ke alam kosong entah dimana. Gue ngerasain yang namanya “OH TUHAN, PLIS AMBIL AJA NYAWA GUE SEKARANG SEMENTARA OPERASI; GUE UDAH NGGA KUAT”. Short breaths; teary eyes; and a soul yang udah mau nyerah memperkuat penderitaan gue untuk bilang “DOK PLIS STOP AJA DOK LANJUT NEXT PERTEMUAN”. Nyeseknya jadi dobel setengah mampus. Sakitnya ngga kuat ah, coy, asli (ini beneran woy).

SUMPAH; gue ngga pernah ngerasa lebih helpless daripada momen itu dimana gue pengen nyelametin mata gue dari benda asing yang neken secara brutal dan mengakibatkan lemes sekujur tubuh tapi sebenernya ngga bisa ngapa-ngapain selain teriak “OOOOOWWWWW” dengan lemah. Iya, ternyata gue helpless beneran.

Setelah vakum sepanjang 20 detik yang rasanya lama banget, mata gue diubek-ubek alat lain yang ngga bisa gue jelasin karna gue sendiri ngga ngerti sebenernya itu proses mata gue diapain. TAPI SISA PROSESNYA NGGA SESAKIT DIVAKUM, MAAAKKKK *MEWEK LAGI*.

Oh, kecuali pas laser, sih. Itu berasa beneran kaya ada superhero yang jago nembak laser lagi nembakin powernya ke gue: BAU ASEP. HAHAHHA. Laser mungkin ngga sesakit vakum, tapi pas alatnya turun kearah mata gue, gue pertama banget mikir: “WEH ANJIR. WHAT KIND OF FUCK IS THIS SUPPOSED TO DO TO MY EYE?!?! MAIGAT”.

Waktu yang gue rasain berjalan selama berabad-abad (sumpah, soalnya sakit banget) ternyata cuman berjalan kurang lebih 15 menit for both eyes. HAH. DEMI APA 15 MENIT MEMBUAT GUE NGERASA DOWN BANGET BEGINI GILA CINTA BEBEB SAYANG MAKKU.

Efek dari operasi gue nyatanya cukup menyenangkan secara fisik. Gue jadi bisa ngeliat HD (in which gue seneng banget jadinya); gue jadi lebih PD sama diri gue sendiri; dan tidur gue super enak karna masih lemes akibat jiwa yang semena-mena terbang itu.

On the contrary, secara mental, sih, menyedihkan.

Sampe pada waktu penulisan ini, bahkan, gue masih ngerasa agak down. Semacem lu lagi grief over someone’s death – eh, tapi gue ngga tau apakah rasanya semacem begini karna sejujurnya gue belom pernah sesedih itu akibat kehilangan seseorang yang bener-bener gue cintai. I can’t even express this feeling selain kosong, sedih, dan agak depressing (baca: SEBENERNYA DEPRESSING BANGET LAH ELAH. Sugar coating abis lo Glor. Psh.)

Though, I’m glad I did the surgery. I’m actually glad that someone ada yang mau take time to ngubek-ngubek mata gue dan spend time buat ceramahin gue di ruang operasi itu dengan suara kalemnya dan bilang berulang kali “ayo dong Glor, liat titik merahnya... Ayo dong Glor, tenang dulu...” (padahal sih, dalem hati udah teriak makian semacem “WOY KALO GUE NGGA BISA LIAT TITIKNYA GIMANA WOY?!?! BACOT AMAT”). HAHAHAHHA MAAF DOK. SAKIT SOALNYA.

I’m glad that I have such role models yang mau take time buat support gue secara mental dan meyakinkan gue bahwa “ngga pake kacamata itu paradise loh nak. KAMU HARUS ADA MERASAKAN SURGA ITU SEGERA” – which are in fact my beloved parents. Yaaa, itu termasuk bayarin segala check up mata, pilihin dokter professional sabarnya yang ngga ngerokok, dan ngebayarin operasinya juga, sih. Jarang ada orangtua yang super perhatian gini kayak bonyok gue dalam kondisi begini juga; esp my dad yang biasanya ngga bisa ngekspresiin sayangnya sama gue.

This eye surgery, walopun sakit mampus membuat gue belajar banget. I feel soo victorious. Thank God, mate. Thank God. –red

Pentecost Sunday

Am I supposed to feel all this hurt as I grow older? I asked Him.

Am I supposed to understand some things this fast?

Is this supposed to hurt my heart this bad?

The past week was a crazy week of life for me; a great matter of weariness.

Yet, something happened to me last Sunday.

No, not me physically; but me spiritually.

My heart...

It was transformed.

It was made new again.

It levitated a little bit.

It was made to have hope again; it was made happy.

The Holy Spirit...

It changed me.

It made me laugh.

It made me realize that in the middle of all these bullshits I’ve grown to cope with, I can trust Him: both the Lord and the Spirit itself – that they are real.

It taught me that when words fail, it will speak my soul to Him.

It proofed me it’s existence again.

It was beautiful.

Not that I didn’t believe it’s existence before this or anything; but this is the confirmation I needed after being in times of trouble for so long.

That after all these times, the Holy Spirit is still. So. AWESOME.

It is so real

It is only as close as your raised hands. –red

Perpisahan Recap

Sudah selesai.

Akhirnya satu minggu yang diisi dengan keberadaan mereka sudah berakhir sejak hari Senin lalu.

Gila; gue yang awalnya ngga mau galau malah ngegalau parah pas perjalanan balik. Gue kira gue bakal fine-fine aja dan bisa ngelepasin masa SMA dengan “lebih mudah” kalo dibandingin sama temen-temen gue. Kenyataannya salah juga – ternyata feelingan kampret ini masih nyuruh gue galau. Beh.

Walaupun pada bilang perpisahan kita keliling Jawa ini ngga begitu “worth it” karna meleset jauh banget dari harapan/perjanjian awal, gue malah ngerasa ngga nyesel-nyesel amat (I’m weird, I know). Ada satu hari out of those 7 days yang bikin gue bahagia for the rest of the trip: hari kedua.

Hari kedua was the day we went to Bromo trus rafting. Twas hari terbaik gue sepanjang minggu. Jelas, gue semangat banget ngeliat sunrise di Bromo. Jelas, gue juga semangat banget to get my first ever rafting experience (in which I experienced with my classmates jadi adrenalinnya dobel). Tapi beyond that, gue menyukai hari itu karna pas naik dibak terbuka menuju tempat raftingnya kita ketawa hampir sepanjang jalan. Itu sih BENER-BENER MEMORABLE. Kapan lagi kan ketawa gila gitu sepanjang jalan? Dan inget ga sih gimana Gwen ngajak kita doa dulu sebelom rafting... Iya, itu gila banget. Satu sisi, gue bersyukur banget ada yang masi sadar ini “do or die” kind of thing; sisi lain gue ngerasa kita ngebuktiin solid sebagai teammates. Gila.

Bromo, though. Bromo was one of them crazy landscapes God created on earth. Sunrise dari situ sih gila; bikin mulut capek ngga berenti nganga. Indah banget sumpah. Terus padang pasirnya juga gila... itu luas banget dan kalo udah ketutup kabut udah kayak apaan dah tau ketutupan semua. Gue bisa ilang dimakan kabut kalo bukan karna gue masih pengen pulang dan ngikutin insting monyet-monyetan karet. It was all new for me therefore it was so breathtaking. Every feeling I posses throughout that day was priceless. Gue masih bisa ngerasain perasaan itu hari ini. Gue ngga berenti terkagum man. HAHAHA SUMPAH. Demi apa juga Indonesia keren banget gini.

One other place I hold dear in my heart was actually Malioboro St., Jawa Tengah. Pas malem itu kita dikasih waktu 2 jam buat muter-muter, I found my refuge within the other 10 people yang jalan bareng gue. Walopun ngga sempet belanja banyak karna udah pada mau tutup toko dan ramenya setengah mampus, kita sempet makan bareng semeja desek-desekan – entah kenapa buat gue itu memorable banget. Selain itu, pas jalan bolak balik kita saling cek semuanya ada apa ngga, ada yang ketinggalan ato ngga... That moment, dude, I felt the closest with them. I felt that we’ve truly got each other’s back. Segala macem emosi udah kecampur deh – ya yang bete, yang capek... Tapi gue masih bisa senyum dan bersyukur atas perasaan “rumah” yang sama-sama kita ciptain buat kita sendiri bahkan ketika lagi jauh dari rumah kita secara harafiah.

Anjir, demi apa tiba-tiba gue puitis banget.

Ah galau lagi.

Ah, emang galau aja gue mah.

HAHAHAHHAHA. OKE LANJUT.

...

Tapi udah sih sebenernya. Gue juga ngga tau mau ngebahas apaan lagi tentang perpisahan (karna gue sendiri baru sadar juga emang perpisahan kita ngga semenarik itu *tabok*).

...

Entah apa ini yang bikin gue aneh dari yang lain, tapi buat gue, yang gue pentingin sih sebenernya bukan tempat-tempatnya yang kita kunjungin. “Tempat” ngga harus nentuin kita bakal seneng ato engga (masalahnya orientasi kita semua kemaren tuh jatoh di “tempat”. Ekspektasinya tinggi bro jadi pas di-PHP-in juga jatohnya jadi sakit banget). “Tempat” ngga bakal jadi masalah kalo kita semua emang tujuannya mau sama-sama – nyiptain memori terakhir  bersama mereka-mereka yang udah dua taun bareng dikelas tiap hari.

Gue cuman pengen mengingat - gue pengen mengingat kita semua sebagai suatu kesatuan kelas; bukan suatu kesatuan angkatan. Walaupun ingatan akan angkatan memiliki sebuah kesenangan tersendiri, tapi mengingat variabel "kita"  sebagai "satu kelas" memiliki sebuah kepuasan tersendiri dalam keberagamannya.

Apapun perspektif mereka tentang perpisahan, gue masih puas sama memori terakhir kita. Gue masih bahagia banget punya momen terakhir sama mereka yang kayak begini. Makasih buat 2 tahun ini, gais. Ai laf yu ol. –red

Paper Creation

He's told me that my heart is like a piece of paper that once crushed, it won't stay as clean as it once has been.

Sure, a paper heart; I thought. How exciting.

Having a heart made up of paper was a weird thought before I realized that what he said about it was true – before I realized it was a mistake to love him; that he’d be the one making my heart crushed

....

The heartbreak was horrifying.

I wanted my old clean heart back as I remembered of how clean my heart once been; but I also remembered  that I also once asked about wanting a broken one.

I'll put the blame on myself for  not praying in details though. But yeah, having a broken heart to grow on you every single day is pretty devastating.

I hadn't imagine that praying for a broken heart would mean to let your heart be broken by an already-broken heart instead of being wholefully loved by a broken one and be married to it without being crushed and emptied. I thought I would be able to mend a broken heart; but I broke mine during the process of mending others.

...

You'll know I've gotten a crumpled paper heart from the way it can never love as sincere as the first one anymore; from the way I compare the one I have now to the one I used to have before; a heart who wants to remember each love which came through my way but at the same time still too hurt from the last one.

...

He said that I can hold a piece of his';

I wondered if “a piece” can mend my broken heart.

I wondered if “a piece” can ever replace the big gap in my heart he caused me.

I wondered if “a piece” can heal every piece of my heart after all the wound it did.

If “a piece” can come back to him and tell him how much of a heart he had taken away from people; how much it bled to think about it again - to actually remember.
If “a piece” will ever be enough to pay someone I'd love in the future;

If “a piece” of a broken heart can buy me another unbroken one.

...
If I had a paper heart, maybe I can also be a paper person he's always imagined me to be.

Maybe, I can be a person he'd wish I'd be.

Maybe, I now can remember better of what good he is in shaping his paper creation.

Maybe, I can pretend that I did not exist – I can pretend to be a paper which was unworthy of any scribblings that he made me into a paper creation.

Maybe, I will just be another story in a paper to his book; the one which lasts for only a season of a year.

Maybe, I am not as real as thought I can be.

Maybe, all that I am, as a person, is a paper creation all along. –red

Thursday, May 14th 2014 –Perpisahan kelas 12IPS; OTW Jogjakarta; Paper Hearts by Tori Kelly.