Public Speaking Manifesto

Hai gais! Udah lama ya gue ngga curhat gaul disini. Bukannya gue ngga mau loh curhat gaul gitu. Tapi my blog isn’t exactly what I would call a daily diary as I once had in my elementary school. You’d probably die of disgust if I wrote “dear diary...” (you can almost instantly tell the next sentence of this dear diary thing, right? Right). I’ve built some kind of barrier for myself from making something yang menjijikan gitu buat orang baca publicly. Apalagi diblog gue. Menurut gue ngga mendidik. I treat you guys and my blog as a place I can share my undeveloped book-form. Tapi kali ini okelah, gue bakal balik bacot-bacot soal something I did this past week for you. Baik ga tuh gue (bilang aja baik deh biar cepet. HAHAH).

Oke. As always, the story starts somewhere unimportantly important karna minggu ini kita ujian praktek. As you might have guessed, persiapannya rada ngga ngakal (baca: lumayan nguras dompet coy!). Walopun ngga mikir sebanyak kalo kita Try Out, waiting outside class with no AC plus a scorching sun is just not the greatest idea around. Capeknya gara-gara kepanasan. SWT. Tapi eits, ngga masalah – minggu itu sudah berlalu dalam damai. Kita ngga perlu takut matahari lagi sekarang.

Salah satu hari yang terberat buat gue diminggu kemaren adalah hari Kamis karna gue 2 kali ditancep buat ngomong didepan guru. Pertama buat ambil nilai agama (dimana teknisnya kalo gue dapet soal yang poinnya tinggi tapi jawaban gue salah maka nilai kelompok gue bisa langsung dibawah KKM), kedua buat BI (presentasi formal dimana gue harus ngejelasin proposal acara yang gue buat sama seorang teman).

Kalo mau ngomong jujur, gue adalah tipe orang yang mereka bilang “enak kalo udah didepan” soalnya walopun gue ngakunya deg-degan setengah kriting pasti ujung-ujungnya gue bisa ngebacot sampe 15 menit kalo dikasih waktu. I have no problem with my confidence. Tapi masalahnya gini: kemaren gue maju bukan cuman buat bacot-bacot ngga penting. Ini buat nilai. Maka dari itu matilah gue kalo gue ngga berhasil dapet yang terbaik. Nilai yang gue peroleh menyangkut hajat hidup banyak manusia saudara-saudarah! Masalahnya lagi, gue kalo makin disuruh nunggu pasti makin deg-degan. MASALAHNYA JUGA gue kebagian urutan belakang mulu. KURANG MANTEP APA COBA MAMA BOLO-BOLO (siapa sih mama bolo-bolo -_-). Makanya kemaren pas nungguin giliran sementara gue deg-degan itu entah kenapa gue malah berhasil nulis sebuah manifesto singkat yang hopefully kepake setiap kapanpun gue deg-degan pas disuru public speaking. So without further due, here’s the manifesto. Maaf pake bahasa inggris bro.

...

Why am I afraid? I should have not; for I have assured feet.

Why do I feel anxious? I should have not; because it has grown the root outta me.

Why am I not confident? Was it because of the fact that I may not be able to answer a question they offer? I should have not; for God abide in me and I have power over my brain. I have the power to control myself.

I should behold power.

...

Udah, gitu doang?

YAIYALAH GITU DOANG.

Coba deh lu bikin sesuatu macem gitu pas lu lagi deg-degan. GUE JAMIN OTAK LU KEPANGGANG DULUAN SEBELOM LU BAHKAN BISA NGETIK KATA PERTAMA. Ini aja bikin beberapa line udah bagus banget menurut gue (padahal gue juga baru pertama kali bikin. CIYUUSH).

But lemme tell you something tho: anxiety can be an unbearable pain, mate.

BHAY MANIFESTO, BHAY! –red

Books.

It was last weekend that one of my bestfriends and I had a lengthy discussion about books that made me realize how different of a person we are and what made us mutual (as readers, this time).

Our difference is quite simple. We liked different genre of books the same way none of us is wholefully the same. And our mutualism, is as also as simple as when we find the joy of buying and having books in its physical matter rather than just downloading the free PDFs while we can. We also share some of same refrences of books that we both love that we share the same knowledge when we came across talking about them.

But aside of the difference and mutualisms between us, I thought of how and what books mean to me while waiting for my bestfriend to respond to my chat. Because in the end I know it’s not gonna be about what made us different or what made us the same; it’s gonna be about how the books you read affect you. These are the thoughts of which I’d really love to share with you in this occasion.

I believe that inside everyone lies something I call “the love and crave for books” the way this something in me urged me to read time after time – to come back and search for more.

I believe that what we know will drive us in how we see things, how we react in situations, and how we will choose what we will read next. And those considerations are merely based on what we read and how much we did.

I believe, that what we read will determine how people see us. Different books gives different impressions about people as much as how we chose to buy them.

I like it the way some books gave me that kind feeling where it penetrates into my soul and forces me to think the other way round without having to change what I believe in.

I like it the way some books gave me considerations of how to see my life: as something really funny or really cruel.

I like it the way some books are able to play with my mind and let me forget that I am living in a world full of weariness for a while because I am really drilled into the emotions of the character built by those books.

But most importantly, I buy books and read them whole-heartedly because I believe that I should appreciate the hard work of those people whose ideas are planted in the pages of the books. I would love people in the next generation to appreciate my work the same way I respect these writers now and therefore I should treat fellow writers that way too. You do realize that I put some big belief in karma and those kinds of things, right? Right, of course you do.

Anyway, enough of the bullshits about books already.

Until that time my bestfriend told me that she won’t need expensive things as long as she have books, I shift a little bit of my belief about books myself:

No, books will not be born without hard work, sweat, and imagination nor will they be without the right timing. But above all, books are the fuel to life; the expansion of our horizon. They are what we need in order to understand more about life itself. And if you don’t read, don’t bother trying to impress me because you won’t. –red

“Go Right”

I once wrote in one of my essays that I hated everything that have started. Why do I hate them, you may ask? My reasons are quite simple; because everything that have started must end at one point of life – sooner or later – whether we like it or not. And that’s what I really hate when we come to talking about graduation: it’s the top of the ladder of all the high school life and therefore we must end here. Oh my goodness; where have the 3 years gone? Time flew, doesn’t it? But yes, as much as I hate to see it going, I realize that I have something more exciting to think about: my future. What the future do hold nobody knows; but facing it with no plans are even worse. With that being said, here are the things I’m going to do after graduation.

First of all, I want to spend my holidays before college with my best friends. Apparantly as soon as we enter college we’re going to be busy with our lives and so we will have a hard time to find time to catch up with each other. One of the things I believe might help to fulfill the euphoria is to go out as often as we could before college starts. Nowadays, our plan is to go around Jakarta and search for coffeshops, restaurants, and other cafes which sells unique food and beverages. Besides being our own food critique, going to those coffeshops hopefully increase our quality time before really having to go our separate ways.

Second, I want to serve in a church ministry as a singer. I actually did minister as a singer when I first entered senior high, but eversince I was always so busy with school projects and other things even on weekends, I wasn’t able to manage my time to commit for church practices very well. I wanted to give the best time for God without other thoughts bothering while practicing anyways. With those reasons being stated, I quit ministering after a few weeks of trying. Besides ministering at church, I am also thinking about doing some other ministries for Indonesian kids who weren’t as lucky as I am in terms of both health and money. I would like to work part time as a volunteer for a non-profit organization and spend some of my time during weekdays with kids who are diagnosed with cancer. Community for Children with Cancer or C3 Foundation is the organization I found my beliefs altered with and therefore I will be working with them to serve these kids. I want to share my stories of how God changed my life and pray for them, encourage to keep on moving, and not to be ashamed of their sickness. I want them to believe that miracles still can happen these days and they can experience those miracle themselves. Besides, what can I do more than seeing other’s smile because of my there-being?

But the most important thing I want to do after graduation is that I want to continue my studies in college. Early on high school I realized that my parents wanted to secure a place for me in the future by  getting me to go college and get education as high as I can. They want me to get a job which pays well while living from doing something I really love to do. Through this understanding, I willingly go to college with the choice of communication sciences as my major. With my love for writing, my confidence in public speaking, and hardworking character I posses, I believe I can easily take my place in the world as long as I persist in practice. Through a lot of deliberation between my brain and my heart, I finally take the courage to take communication. Even though I didn’t realize this when I was younger, but living in the world of journalism is the most liveable idea I would love living in. I believe that anything is easier done when we are passionated in what we do and that is what I exactly feel about writing and public speaking. With taking communication, I can always reassure my parents about what I really want to do because this is what makes me want to push to my limit, absorb more of everything, and aim higher when I fall. Above all, I believe that this is not about what I want to get, but what I want to give to the world as said by Pandji Pragiwaksono.

High school will indeed be a hard memory to move on from because honestly, if I can choose one moment out of anything that have started in my life to not end, this is the one thing I’d choose to be my answer. But if life only leaves me with 2 options to either go right or to go nowhere anyway, I would rather go right; even if it means leaving the best memories as it is in yesterday.

Teori Betis

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Sepuluh Tahun Mendatang

Untuk diriku, 10 tahun dari tanggal penulisan ini.

Mereka bilang, aku adalah orang yang kuat karna aku sudah melewati begitu banyak cibiran dari media dimana aku menceritakan aspirasi-aspirasiku. Menurut mereka aku seharusnya lebih kuat dari kebanyakan orang.

Mereka bilang, enak menjadi diriku karena aku sudah begitu kebal dengan kritik sehingga aku bisa terus melangkah maju.

Mereka bilang, aku tak perlu mempedulikan apa kata mereka karena apa yang aku bela adalah sesuatu yang benar; apa yang aku bela adalah sesuatu yang seharusnya dibela.

Mereka bilang, orang yang kuat adalah orang yang melakukan apa yang menjadi aspirasi hidupnya dan aku adalah bukti hidup dari perkataan itu – bahwa aku tidak takut mati.

Apa yang tidak pernah mereka lihat adalah bagaimana perjuangan untuk menjadi kuat itu. Mereka tidak tahu apa rasanya, apa akibatnya, dan apa yang diperlukan untuk menjadi kuat.

Dan siapa bilang aku tidak takut mati? Aku hanya sudah menantangnya ribuan kali sehingga aku kebal terhadap perasaan itu – bukannya aku tidak takut.

Aku senang jika mereka menganggap aku kuat, namun aku tidak ingin mengaminkannya sepenuh hati karena aku sebenarnya  masih serapuh ketika aku mengawali semuanya itu – sepuluh tahun yang lalu.

sepuluh tahun lalu ketika aku lulus SMA, aku adalah orang yang sangat berbeda dari apa yang kau lihat sekarang. Walaupun aku bukan tipe orang yang emosional dan mampu mengeluarkan air mata semudah ketika ada sesuatu yang menyakitkan muncul, seringkali aku memendam rasa sedih itu untuk diriku sendiri. Aku banyak kali tidak menunjukkan, karna menurutku menunjukkan adalah kelemahan. Pikiranku berkata bahwa aku memang tidak seharusnya menunjukkan, karena menurutku orang lain-pun sudah terlalu sibuk dengan urusan mereka masing-masing untuk mempedulikan perasaan orang lain sehingga aku perlu menjadi orang yang mandiri.

Aku harus mengakui bahwa aku tidak pernah kuat menanggung semuanya sendiri. Aku sendiri sering terluka parah – dan beberapa dari luka itu membutuhkan waktu yang cukup panjang untuk sembuh. Disinilah aku menemukan pengalih rasa sakit itu; morfin untuk setiap kesedihanku dan ekstasi untuk luka bakar yang menganga, yakni menulis – menulis dengan bahasa yang menusuk dan tajam. Dari situ aku tahu bahwa luka parah itu akan sembuh; walaupun ketajaman itu harus datang dengan resiko yang setimpal dengan rasa sakit yang dituangkan.

Keuntunganku dalam menulis adalah bahwa aku tahu aku mampu mengutarakan semua perasaan yang macet dimulutku ketika aku harus meneriakkannya dengan lantang dari atas tembok kemenangan. Dari menulis aku kemudian mampu mendaki gunung rintangan yang ada dijalanku; dan setelah aku susah payah mendaki aku tahu akan ada perasaan puas yang mengikutinya. Maka dari itu aku dapat mempertahankan posisiku dan tidak menyerah. Karena menulis, kakiku terkunci ditanah dan aku mampu bertahan dari angin yang bertiup.

Aku tahu bagi sebagian orang prinsip ini akan terdengar aneh, tetapi aku percaya bahwa inilah jalan yang harus aku tempuh sebagaimana orang lain mempunyai perjuangannya masing-masing. Aku sadar bahwa aku mudah tersulut api – maka dari itu aku harus memilih api yang benar untuk membakarku.

Untuk diriku sepuluh tahun mendatang, saranku adalah hadapilah masalahmu dengan berani sebagaimana kau selalu menghadapinya. Kau harus tahu bahwa dirimu hari ini akan memandangmu dengan puas atas setiap pencapaian yang berhasil kau lalui. Kau harus tahu bahwa aku bangga – sangat bangga bahkan – untuk hanya bahkan dapat mengantarkanmu kepada keberhasilanmu. Ingat, aku melatihmu untuk bertanggung jawab dan membela apa yang benar walaupun sulit, bukan untuk memutarkan fakta yang ada demi mendapat perhatian khalayak luas. Jika waktunya datang, kau akan menerima apapun yang menjadi bagianmu.

Jika kau merasa hendak menyerah karena tantangan yang bertubi-tubi, ingatlah mengapa kau memilih jalur yang kau pilih ini dari awal. Ingatlah bahwa aku tidak ingin melihatmu menyerah ketika sebenarnya sebentar lagi kau akan mendapatkan kemenanganmu. Ingatlah akan berapa banyak orang yang kau buat kecewa dengan kepergianmu dari melakukan apa yang kau cintai ini. Ingatlah akan mereka yang percaya kepadamu. Namun diatas segalanya, ingatlah akan nasib orang-orang yang mengagumi hasil karyamu dan hendak berjuang bersamamu; apa yang akan terjadi pada mereka jika kau menyerah?

Aku tidak perlu banyak pengakuan darimu, diriku sepuluh tahun mendatang. Tapi jika kau tahu darimana kariermu dimulai, aku mau kau menghargainya. Aku percaya padamu. –red

Rare and Fragile

I was a rare and fragile flower once, I remembered.

I was once that little girl with one fat braid down the back of my spine. Even if I always wanted to be a class leader, I was born shy.

I was, once, that little girl that would go crazy over someone who mocked me even though just in my silence I would curse.

And for once, I was that someone who didn’t recall any pain nor sadness painted by my surroundings.

And then there was when it hits me; that snapped me back to my reality mode – when the hands clutched on mine squeezed as hard as the wind rushing through my body. Almost instantly I felt like as if I would crumble like sand crushed under one’s foot.

I feel helpless again.

But I must be strong in front of her when she is this weak.

She is my other half; my very own blood; of myself. Therefore when she is sick, I feel almost as if I am entirely responsible of what she’s feeling. She’s as fragile as I once was in my early days.

Even though I feel weak myself, I’d hug her and remain silent besides her. That’s the best thing I know I would love to have if I am sick myself. And in the silence of the moment, I thought: “Today is going to be a long day”.

I wanted her to be here to accompany me during the school hours, but I can’t stand looking at her feeling tortured during those hours. Better if she go home and rest so I don’t have to torture myself looking at her suffering.

I was a rare and fragile flower once that would be easily blown away by a gust of wind, I remembered. And today she is one too. –red