Hardships Or Die

This past day or two I have been forcing myself to think harder than usual to actually come up with this one particular post for you to read. Gue lagi ngga tau mau cekokin kalian apaan karna gue lagi ngga mikir banyak, ngga banyak kejadian, dan lagi ngga se-baper biasanya. Beneran, rasanya lagi as entek (“entek” is a Javanese word for “habis” or legit “gue mentok”) as it once was before UN strikes. And to tell you the truth, though, I am still as entek as I were when you came in reading. We might be heading to a curcol, with that being said.

Minggu ini, as I’ve stated, gue lagi ngga banyak ngapa-ngapain. Dan demi nyari ide, gue baca lagi buku favorit gue sepanjang 2 tahun terakhir ini, The Fault In Our Stars plus streaming podcastnya TEDx dari hape tercinta. I am one of those kinds yang ngga bisa hidup tanpa sentuhan inspirasi dari orang lain, to tell you something about myeself – a part of my typical self I would blame on my rare personality type.

Kita semua tau kita udah denger banyak mengenai banyak hidup orang lain yang bermakna buat sekitarnya sampe-sampe kita bisa cerita pake bahasa tarzan. Ho-oh, orang kanker yang bikin organisasi non-profit buat bantu orang kanker lainnya lah; orang bikin penemuan-penemuan baru yang ngebantu orang disabled lah; research orang dibidang yang bener-bener out of mind lah; segala macem deh. And to be honest, one fourth of my 18 years of life I have been trying to devout myself to such “inspiring others” kind of stuff ad to “work more” instead of just “talking slash observing much” – something so easy for some people to do naturally but hard as fuck for me to move for even just one inch.

I’ve been dying to find out something big I can do to help others and realizing how bullshit that was when I realized bahwa kalo ada anak kecil jatoh dari sepeda didepan mata gue gue bisa pura-pura ngga ngeliat dan langsung jalan menjauh.

Kurang jago bullshit apa gue?

Salahin era lahir gue, tapi gue rasa gue ngga bisa menyalahkan era ini kalo emang gue dilahirkan pada zaman yang tepat untuk suatu tujuan lain yang lebih ‘tepat’ – entah apa tepatnya.

Tapi gue jujur deh, gue sendiri benci gue yang begini. SUMPAH. Gue jago ngomong, tapi I did little to actually help. Bukannya ngga mau bantuin sih sebenernya – mau – tapi ngga tau harus ngapain untuk menenangkan anak yang jatoh ini dan gimana membersihkan luka mereka kalo gue sendiri udah lupa namanya luka gimana dan udah lama banget sejak ada orang lain yang ngebantuin gue untuk memperbaiki luka-luka gue sendiri. Kalo akhirnya ngebantu-pun, gue pake acara maki-maki orang lain juga dalam hati for being blind to the society. Damn man, I am good at “omdo”.

I could be worse, you know.

As much as you hated me for what facts I have just present to you, you can believe me when I say that I hated it more than you do – because I observe naturally; and that means observing myself as well. Paradigma gue adalah “apa hak gue untuk mengharapkan orang lain untuk membantu gue kalo gue sendiri ngga membantu orang lain?”. Guess what, it applies to every aspect of my life: mulai dari hal besar seperti “berpakaian rapih” sampai hal kecil mengenai “tepat waktu”.

I would’ve want to punish myself really badly for “kebanyakan mikir doang sih lo, kapan geraknya”. But some punishments, it occur, won’t do much good to me if I do not find any good alternatives to help me “move”. Because in the end, I would’ve easily said “ah yaudah lah. Gabisa diapa-apain lagi” – a bad part to Cindy’s “terima dengan lapang dada” sentence. Screw that, really.

Gue sendiri ngga bakal bisa conclude apapun yang baik setelah curcol gue kali ini karna gue masih as desperate as when I get my head to write. I wouldn’t want to hope to “get better” because the fact says that there is no “better”. There is only “work your damn ass to hardships. Learn it the hard way or die”. –red