Paper Creation

He's told me that my heart is like a piece of paper that once crushed, it won't stay as clean as it once has been.

Sure, a paper heart; I thought. How exciting.

Having a heart made up of paper was a weird thought before I realized that what he said about it was true – before I realized it was a mistake to love him; that he’d be the one making my heart crushed

....

The heartbreak was horrifying.

I wanted my old clean heart back as I remembered of how clean my heart once been; but I also remembered  that I also once asked about wanting a broken one.

I'll put the blame on myself for  not praying in details though. But yeah, having a broken heart to grow on you every single day is pretty devastating.

I hadn't imagine that praying for a broken heart would mean to let your heart be broken by an already-broken heart instead of being wholefully loved by a broken one and be married to it without being crushed and emptied. I thought I would be able to mend a broken heart; but I broke mine during the process of mending others.

...

You'll know I've gotten a crumpled paper heart from the way it can never love as sincere as the first one anymore; from the way I compare the one I have now to the one I used to have before; a heart who wants to remember each love which came through my way but at the same time still too hurt from the last one.

...

He said that I can hold a piece of his';

I wondered if “a piece” can mend my broken heart.

I wondered if “a piece” can ever replace the big gap in my heart he caused me.

I wondered if “a piece” can heal every piece of my heart after all the wound it did.

If “a piece” can come back to him and tell him how much of a heart he had taken away from people; how much it bled to think about it again - to actually remember.
If “a piece” will ever be enough to pay someone I'd love in the future;

If “a piece” of a broken heart can buy me another unbroken one.

...
If I had a paper heart, maybe I can also be a paper person he's always imagined me to be.

Maybe, I can be a person he'd wish I'd be.

Maybe, I now can remember better of what good he is in shaping his paper creation.

Maybe, I can pretend that I did not exist – I can pretend to be a paper which was unworthy of any scribblings that he made me into a paper creation.

Maybe, I will just be another story in a paper to his book; the one which lasts for only a season of a year.

Maybe, I am not as real as thought I can be.

Maybe, all that I am, as a person, is a paper creation all along. –red

Thursday, May 14th 2014 –Perpisahan kelas 12IPS; OTW Jogjakarta; Paper Hearts by Tori Kelly.