Loving Your Unbrokenness

‘Can I trust you again, after all these years?’ I hear my heart whispering.

I don’t want to believe that it was him, someone’s whose been a good old friend of mine. It’s not that I didn’t want to trust him, actually. But it’s been years since he stopped contacting me without any warning. I thought he was dead and so I moved on. And now, after all those years of being adjusting to life without his presence, he wanted to keep up with me again? It’s all plain bullshit, I’d say.

How can I trust anyone anymore when all I’ve had is broken?

When everything I’ve been is lied?

I mean, a lot of people are better than me. Why does it have to be me, out of all those people?

Some are brave

Some are selfless

Some are even broken enough to be loved through their tiny broken pieces.

But I’m not like that.

I am a coward

I am cocky

And I’m not broke enough to be loved – not even to love in my unbrokenness.

That’s partially why I couldn’t let anyone trust me: because I’m not as good as they think I am.

And thit is also partially why I don’t want to trust him again: because I’m broke enough to not put my trust on him again – even if we’re talking about “everyone is worthy of second chances”. But we are still humans; amongst those who are not able to recover fully after a scar heals.

But sometimes, loving someone all throughout their brokenness isn’t the truth. There is a fine justice to love someone who is not as broken; someone who is as real as unharmed.

“I can never make you love me, can I?” He asked

“No you can’t, unfortunately. I’m hurted. You hurt me.” I said

“Right, I did. I realized. But there is one thing you’d done that you can’t take back from me, though” He continued; as if trying to minimize the casualties

“What is it?”

“My protection. I won’t ever stop protecting you”

“Out of all things... Really...” I let out a laugh that sounded more like a moan

“No, I mean, seriously. I’m sorry that it hurts, but I can’t stop. It’s the truth”

“Yeah? Why?” I kept going; trying to push him past his breaking point in the hope that he would  break and finally stop

“I just can’t let anyone hurt someone whose been such a bully yet a good listener-keeper to me – even if it was just a “past tense”. Whose ability is to wordify values and perspectives. Whose also taught me to really hold on to those of my bestfriends. Whose selfless enough to detract from me in order for me to pursue what’s more important than what she is.

But for the last phrase, though, I think she was wrong. I think she is as important as any others are; that’s why I won’t let go. And I won’t let anyone hurt her”

“Detract from you? Huh, funny. I thought he was the one who would let me wonder for years of where he’s been. He left. And you call that detracting? With no informations at all? Now I’m wondering if I am befriending a sane human” I said, cutting him.

He stopped for a few moments before he continued, silently this time:

“She’d let me find her whenever I need her even though she’s changed. But then again, I don’t mind people changing – it’s a sign of the living: that we changed. She’d told me once: to get to really know her, it’s not the first door I have to knock down; it’s the coming doors to her secretive-self that I have to conquer. I am aiming for those doors now. If you think I have forgotten all those, or if that I had never care, you were wrong. I remembered everything”

And then I cried.

Now I understand how it feels to love someone through their unbrokenness – that even though their scars made them beautiful, there will always be a part of them which are unbroken for us to love. Someday, somehow, they will find us. They will finally see us as what we are – loving our unbrokenness instead of the broken pieces that were shattered and yet impossible to fix. –red