I Am Not Alright

After four and a half months of college, I thought I would never have anymore chance of thinking that I am insecure (or to this particular thing, I was partially hoping that I will do just fine with my INFJ-ness). I thought I would be alright with all these judgements people hold over me; that I finally become more of an extrovert than I initially was by the beginning of college. It has been four and a half months since I had the last recurrence of feeling totally tired with all that is going on with life; that everything that everybody is has been a total hypocrite. But then, that is when it hits me again. It was those facts my head gives that made me feel like I have been revealed; my skin bare. I am not as secure as I think I am.

I honestly feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.

I feel stupid because I don’t even know what is my standard  when it comes to “to what extent can I call a person a ‘mature’ human being. I feel selfish because though I don’t feel good about something I’ve done, I am not ready to say sorry to those I feel wrong to. I feel like a coward because I am not brave enough to tell people how I really feel about them; that I am too self-conscious of things and not being able to let it pass.

Seriously, though. Being a real person is such a real thing for me. I am so tired of being able to read through people’s mask so easily and at the same time being so numb to some others. I am so wary of the fact that I knew everything was so bullshit and nothing will ever worth the same ever again – even if people do mean the words they are saying. Nothing will feel as sincere as what it was; not ever. I don’t know how to overcome those feelings – especially not the “it’s all bullshit this I know”. All I do is pass judgments and laugh at them in my heart if then they cannot offer me a good plan to go out of those so-called “solutions” they mentioned; because I stiffle them with my backfire. Their good plan is never comforting, anyways.

People often ask, “how do you let go of things so easy?”

The thing they never ask, though, is how hard it initially strikes me. I let go easy because it always hits me as hard as it could get – it hits me until I thought I would never be able to recover anything it hits me with. I let go because I’ve seen worse. I let go, because I know I couldn’t take up anymore chance for it to hurt me.

People also often ask, “how do you know that everything is bullshit? Some things can’t just be considered as bullshit.”

There are only three things that didn’t bullshit me byfar: God’s own saving grace, the words of my ISTJ buddy Cindy and that actions speaks louder than words. I know everything is bullshit because I’ve been overseeing how words are just words until I saw people do it without saying anything about it – I am a big believer in actions than mere words, so to speak. And if they are not an INFJ, then they have not the ability to see through people’s mask – this thing I am so wary of but so grateful to have – which proofs me that they don’t have as much mix of intuitive and judging to directly give a 99% right impression right at the first moment we speak to each other therefore not realizing that everything is empty and bullshit until a particular age in the future. That is why I can say that most things are bullshit and you are not yet that capable of determining these things.

Finally, I do realize that something was worse than those realizations my head offers me. It wasn’t those facts that were bugging me; I get over that of myself months ago. The thing hurting me right now is how could it hit me worse everytime – how could it strike me harsh-er than the last time I could remember I had it? How could those thoughts became something I embody, just because it strikes me as something I am wary about? How could it be ingrained unto me so fast?

I do not know how fast will these psychological problems last – but I do know that it makes me crumble under the weight of it’s pressure the same way it does the last time it hits me. –red