Who am I?

Kadang, gue takut menjadi diri gue sendiri

Gue takut karna gue ngga tau apa yang gue inginkan

Gue takut karna gue ngga yakin bahwa pilihan gue benar

Gue takut karna gue sendiri ngga yakin gue tau siapa diri gue sebenarnya

I’m afraid to see what I am really like inside when I don’t know anything of me that is real.

...

I often tell myself that I missed being a real person

But what is a real person? I’ve never remembered being one

For so long I’ve been wary of myself

I can’t remember being one wholeful person lest I be one.

For most of the time, I don’t even know what I am anymore

I’ve tried to be someone – but I’ve also failed

I never have felt the ability to be someone; whether someone nice, someone important, someone bad, or someone who seemed to know who they really are because I’ve been searching someone that I feel like being – and I fell so hard because nobody is as ideal as I pictured to be and as perfect as I needed them to be

When everybody else looked like they know who they are being, I am crumbling down inside; I am as raw as a dead meat ready to burn in the barbecue – too easily molded and burned

...

And then, even before I can even find who I am, I wonder again

Will people trust me if I don’t even trust myself?

Will they perceive me as a good person, even when I don’t feel like one?

Will they accept me for whatever abstract absurdity I am?

Will they tell me I’m a good person when I feel low?

I need acceptance – but no matter how much acceptance never felt enough for me.

I always want more; I always long for more; I always need more; I always beg for more.

And yet, no acceptance is as high as the acceptance of God almighty and the acceptance of the person’s one self beforehand.

...

Hopefully as time goes I’d accept myself just as the way my friends seemed to accept of themselves

Hopefully I don’t only dead-walk around the pavement roads act as if I knew what I’m doing when all I did was only trying to keep breathing

Hopefully I’d be able to embody what I’ve always wanted to be in my idealist mind one day; on the day when everything comes crumbling down –red