Outgrown

It’s crazy how we – as human beings – can outgrow things; how we become just another stranger to the things that used to love; to the things that used to be a haven to us.

I haven’t really outgrew my shell when you finally said it; when you finally told me that we are no longer a match for each other.

How can you tell me we are a “no match” when all that we’ve had in the past months were just loneliness? Was it because you can’t stand the loneliness – that being in “a relationship” feels like being “single”?

Was it because you were afraid that I am not as good as my words to not love anyone but yourself as soon as we stand hand in hand for marriage?

Was it because you were afraid that the both of us were not strong enough to bear the pain that we finally ended up in the courts?

No, you aren’t wrong. I tend to fear the same thing.

Just because I didn’t say it out loud would I not fear it nor would it save us from it’s trouble.

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To be fair, we both know that it is a well known fact that we will outgrew some physical things as we grow older.

We outgrew our baby clothes, for example. We grew too big to fit in them anymore.

We outgrew our baby food too – they are no longer nutricious enough for our forever growing cells.

We outgrew our elementary classes as we go on to high school. We outgrew our friends, environment, and how our teachers treat us. We are no longer kids anymore.

We outgrew our literal home when our family became too big for it.

We only can’t outgrew one thing: time. It stayed content for us.

...

I guess  have just understood the other thing we outgrew: the things we no longer outgrew physically. These other things are the things we grow too big for mentally. It was something like outgrowing our toleration for what values people hold if it’s not aligned with ours.

To me, now a home have a different meaning rather than just “the place where one lives permanently”, but also “staying touched with someone that makes them feel welcome wherever they are”. We didn’t outgrew the second meaning of home because we grow “too big” for it, but because we get used to having them so much that it didn’t mean as much as it once was. We take them for granted – forgetting how good being acknowledged was – therefore they left.

I didn’t outgrew my shoes in a way I used to anymore. I didn’t outgrew it physically; but I outgrew them in a way that I am not comfortable using it anymore. I used to like using one type of shoe – it was just four years ago when I still liked it. But now, using it felt turtorous; a nightmare. My fondness of it changed within my peripheral vision of a year’s time. And outgrowing my shoe, I assume, is how you feel towards our current relationship.

I couldn’t blame you about not feeling the same way about us; I wouldn’t anyway. It is also my mistake for not providing you with a comfortable shoe to wear every where you wanted to go. For me, right now I am still comfortable with the “home” you provided me whilst you are not. The friction between the feet and the fabric urges you to find a new shoe; while the home you had for me was still big enough for me.

I know you would’ve stayed if you could; but when the fright is bigger than the love you felt for me, what more can I do? The war is now between me and how to let go of you – as if I ever could.

You have my unspoken passion; you always will.

I love you. –red