Embrace

I’ve been telling myself to embrace.

Embrace the fact that I am different.

Embrace that I am not able to engage a long term communication at firsthand because bullshit. I can not if it wasn’t appealing, first of all. But above all, I can not because it’s just bullshit.

Bullshit of who my name is, where I came from, what’s my story, how I’m doing, what I’m doing, who have I become.

Even though everything I said about myself is still me, I found myself more and more disembodied the more they know me. It’s like I’m allowing them to peek at a hole inside myself while poking around with a knife in their hands through my stomach.

They didn’t mean it that way, of course. But I can’t accept the fact any other way. I’d be fooling myself in the long run if I did.

...

Embrace because I can’t change this feature about myself, even though I hated it with my whole life – I can only diminish it by a 50% chance.

Embrace because if I don’t, who else is going to? Every acceptance first comes from the being in which embodies those features.

Embrace, because I will never change. It’s not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t.

Embrace, embrace, EMBRACE!

God, I am tired of telling myself to embrace.

Embracing something you didn’t choose to be but it embodies you anyway is a torture of its own; like a fingerprint that will always stick to your body; like a shadow that comes and goes but is always actually there – made up of you; like the memories of a being itself.

...

Maybe there’s one person who can make me feel not stabbed and not raw after they ask me about myself.

Maybe there’s a time when my soul won’t be as raw as it is today.

Maybe my soul won’t be rare anymore as the population thickens.

But before any of those day comes, this is my hell I can’t overcome. And all they’re asking me to do about it, is nothing but embrace. –red