A Thousand Pieces Of You

There are literally a thousand pieces of you; within you. So if there are a thousand piece of you, there must be a thousand piece of me too, making me up.

One of those stories of what makes me is this one I’m going to tell you today.

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Waktu kecil, gue adalah orang yang pemalu.

Orang bilang sih wajar kalo gue pemalu atau takut orang waktu kecil. Menurut penelitian, emang bener bahwa bakalan ada masa-masa dimana seorang anak akan takut sama orang, ngga mau interaksi sama orang baru – and I’ve been through that when I was like 4 years old.

Entah kenapa, hari ini gue juga lagi pemalu banget.

Bukan. Bukan “pemalu” sih lebih tepatnya.

The exact word for it would be “takut orang”.

Iya, gue takut orang.

No, no. Bukan takut orang yang kalo ketemu terus langsung ngibrit kayak ketemu setan, tapi takut yang kalo gue harus engage in a longterm conversation dan mengenal mereka secara lebih dalam.

Don’t get me wrong.

I’ve always been interested in people’s stories and how they overcome things like their fear or their friendship problems and I still am; always will. But if knowing people means a leakage for them to know about me too, that’s all where it starts wrong for me.

I disliked being hurt and hurting others back; entah dari perkataan gue atau tindakan gue.

I disliked getting known, because I believe nothing of me is actually interesting. All that I am, and all that I’ve been through is only brokenness.

Gue ngga suka ngerasa bahwa gue beda (karna gue orangnya “terlalu serius” dan mostly prefer in-depth talks).

Gue ngga suka spotlight dimana “gue” is the center of the event.

Gue ngga mau harus spill every secret I have just because someone have just ask me about what happened dan gue ngga bisa tahan lagi.

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Semua berawal dari statement “gue adalah seorang INFJ” sebenernya.

Most of you must have known that I put a lot of blame on my personality type. I mean I did, but I always try to make a good difference from it. As for the reason why I’d blame my INFJ-ness this time is because I am somewhat too perceptive.

Too perceptive karna bisa gampang banget membaca underlying motives of people – all their bullshits and basa-basi ngga pentingnya. This is mainly why gue bingung mau nanya apa sama orang: karna gue benci di-bullshit-in gitu sehingga gue ngga mau nge-bullshit-in orang.

Too perceptive karna gue juga tipe orang yang “let it pass” for other people but put it so hard on myself. Standar gue ngga pernah mau gue kompromiin, that’s also why gue agak susah ketemu orang yang klop sama gue dan punya keinginan buat “mempelajari” gue as much.

Too perceptive, karna gue bener-bener mengaplikasikan “I want you to treat me this way, so I’ll treat you that way”.

Really, that is as far as I can explain it to you. It is a whole other level if you ask me how I feel about it.

Mau gue bilang gue benci “takut orang” ini, gue ngga bisa benci juga karna dari sini gue belajar untuk lebih nyerap apapun emosi yang ada disekitar gue dan gue bounce back secara positif.

Ngga bisa benci, because it is made up of me. IT IS me. Malah ngga bisa ilang lagi kali trait ini.

The last thing I know I’ll be doing with this kind of inside torture is learn to be less afraid of people karna gue udah kuliah and learn a bunch of other things regarding this fear.

It’s crazy to hear that banyak temen gue takut ayam, ikan lele, atau sejuta hal lainnya yang hanya merupakan sesuatu yang biasa aja buat gue. But what they don’t know is that I am actually dealing with a deeper kind of depression, a higher form of fear of not knowing who I really am and what I am really worth as a person.

There are a thousand pieces of you; and if it is necessary for you to hurt me with one of your piece, please, help me. I’ll need it –red